Are you aggressive or assertive?

During my Coaching sessions I often find that many people confuse assertiveness and aggression. What is the difference you may wonder yourself. Essentially it's your mindset!

Think of assertiveness as being firm, but polite. It's a mindset that says "I want to win, but I'm not going to walk over you to do it - I'm going to respect what you want and work to help you win also."

Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is firm but impolite. The aggressive person says "I'm going to win, and I don't care if you get what you want" or "I don't care whether or not you get hurt in the process or your needs are met."  

Which of those two approaches do you think produces better results in the long run? 

Aggression is rooted in fear. When we act aggressive we have no time to consider other people's needs because we are fearful that we will not succeed if we do. Our whole focus is on achieving what we think is important. We may believe that we are acting like this because we care for others, and yes maybe we are on one level, but if we step on people or if we make them look or feel bad in the process then there is a certain amount of selfishness involved. When we act aggressive we value ourselves and our ideas more then others. We feel competitive.

Assertiveness is rooted in confidence on the other hand. When we feel confident then we do not fear looking incompetent or failing or being rejected. We know what we want and we can be firm about communicating it, but at the same time we will have the ability to consider other people and we will act in a way that they do not feel diminished. In fact we may even help them look good. When we are assertive we value our selves, our ideas and others equally.

Here is a useful check list that may help you identify when you are act aggressive and when assertive: 

Aggressive conduct: Glares or stares at others
Assertive conduct: Makes friendly, considerate eye contact

Aggressive conduct: Intimidates others with body language
Assertive conduct: Shows confident body language that matches the message

Aggressive conduct: Has an air of inflexibly—"my way or the highway"
Assertive conduct: States one's needs, but genuinely considers other perspectives

Aggressive conduct: Strives to control others
Assertive conduct: Strives to listen to and work with others

Aggressive conduct: Considers other's perspectives only when demanded to do so
Assertive conduct: Considers other's perspectives without needing to be asked

Aggressive conduct: Values one's self more than others
Assertive conduct: Values self as an equal to others

Aggressive conduct: Will intimidate or even hurt others to avoid being hurt
Assertive conduct: Tries to hurt no one (including self)

Aggressive conduct: Reaches goals usually on the backs of others
Assertive conduct: Strives to reach goals, and help others reach their goals, too

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Assertiveness is an important component of communication. Assertive people express themselves and stand up for their views without disrespecting the views of other people. Assertiveness improves self-esteem and helps one earn the respect of others. 

If you would like to learn how to be more assertive then a series of coaching sessions can help you succeed. You may be a passive person (not expressing your needs) or have a tendency to behave more often aggressive then assertive. In both cases you can learn through some coaching to adjust your communication style and find middle ground.